Tap tap tapping away – on my iPad again

Language. Ah! language. What an amazing invention eh? So expressive. So damn useful. Whether it be Schadenfreude, Je ne sais quoi, y’all ah habibee or Twaadi maa…there is no doubt that without it we’d be er, speechless! Modern life would be nigh on impossible without the babbling tongue.

I may not soar gracefully like a bird.

I may not dive a thousand feet like a whale

nor sprint as fast as a cheetah

nor hear in the dark like a bat.

But by God I can speak!

And I can write…oh how I can write!

And with these simple tools I can conquer the world (steady on there). Just imagine trying to tell the girl of your dreams that you love her without words – without language what would you do? How would you tell her you love her? Use sign language? Like how? Make Kissy-kissy pouting faces like a chimpanzee? Touch your heart with your hand and smile (nah, too gay), sit and stare at her with entreating soulful eyes (no, too weird). Before language came along how did men spill out their hearts to the whims of a ladies soul?

I’ll tell you how: they impressed ladies by fighting bears to the death and wrestling lions with their bare hands. They chased antelopes on the savannah’s and killed men who despoiled their honour. Those were the days when might was right – when mean was queen – when worldly passion was outta fashion – when language was naught and everything was fought.

But have you ever wondered when men first learnt to talk? And why? Why did man put down his spear and his stones and his lion and engage in prittle-prattle? Why? To score with chicks that’s why! Men learnt to talk to impress the ladies. Chicks dig men who know how to use their tongues (not in that way). It has been proven by scientists that women developed the ability to appreciate speech before men learnt to talk. So, all it took was for one man, one of our ancient forbears; some genius of the Upper Neolithic Period, one ancient Shakespeare, to sit down and utter those first few words of love.

You can just imagine him, sitting near the fire, the girl of his affections sitting across the licking flames, the first man ever to say something romantic to a woman. So he sits there. Shy at first, but slowly, gradually, he gathers his courage and his words and finally lets fly with some verbal verbosity and verbiage verifying his valour and vainglory amongst these verminous volks with a vertiginous voracity that only a woman can love.

What did this first speaker man say? Who knows? Perhaps something along the lines of:

Me kill lion. Me you eat?’ (the first ever romantic meal invite) followed by:

‘Me like Lion. Lion Tasty. Mmm yummy… You find tasty?’ (the first ever after dinner conversation) followed by:

‘Come my cave. Watch stars’ (the first ever night time entertainment) and finally:

‘Me want you. You want me. Let’s make baby?’ and so we have it. The first time a man ever told a women he loved her. Well almost…!

So today in the year 2012, thousands of years since that first tentative fumbling foray in romance, has man come far? Judging by what I’ve seen, not really. If you wanna impress a woman don’t take her to an expensive restaurant or a popcorn movie. Don’t wrestle a lion to prove your testosterone levels. Instead read her some delicious poetry. Man evolved language for poetry’s sake. Language is for wooing women with.

Use your wicked plucky-lucky tongue: and win the girl of your dreams!

Yes win her. Her ears are waiting for some verbal seduction.

Sent from my plucky lucky wicked iPad


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