Starman

Alone.

I alone in this ship,

Crawling agonisingly slow through Space.

Sole survivor of the human race.

For two years now, all alone, me only, in this ship. My home. My cocoon. My life support. But what life to support?

Outside blackness and stars and cold and loneliness. Memories add colour to my days and nights. What meaning have days and nights here? Memories of a previous life now vague and gone buzz around me like a whisper from the ages: Supermarkets. Blue skies. Pubs. The joy of books. Ice cream. Sex. England. Cricket. Women. You.

I miss you.

Miss you terribly.

I miss the way you would look at me across the table. You used to smile at me you know!

Smile at me. Yes me. It seems so amazing to me now that another person – especially one as desirable as you, would smile at me. That I, yes I, could elicit such a response from you. You a goddess with powers you had no inkling of. And I, with something you liked the look of.

I think back and relive those moments in minutiae. I soak and wallow in the rich warm blanket of the past. What was it about me that made your cheeks glow red and your eyes sparkle like stars? Was it a kind of magic?

Where are you now? Did it mean anything? Does anything mean anything – ever. When all ends in the end?

It meant something at the time.
It meant something to me.

I still remember and these memories are now my prison. You are still alive through me. Though you don’t know it. Or are you gone? Or is it that somehow, through some inexplicable ways, we never really die? But rather, somehow, live on like ripples on a pond. A small part of us – always rippling on, in the fabric of the great Cosmos.

Oh Cosmos! Oh God! You created me. And you created her. And through the infinite highways and byways of time and probability, we met. Yes we met – I saw, she saw – and we knew. We knew all was good. That all would be well. It would be fine.

Love is the filling up of a hole to become whole again.

Again?

Was I whole – in the terrible past – when nothing existed?

I miss you terribly.

Yet a part of me is glad. Glad that I had you once. That I made you smile. Glad that once across the table you smiled at me. Once across the table your eyes sparkled, and you were the universe in disguise. You were the universe saying: all will be well.

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