So I went to Mars.
Well – I didn’t actually go there. I was in a way already there. Like I am already everywhere. But how boring is that? To be everywhere! Where is the fun in that? Sometimes I like to feel the anticipation of departure and arrival. The uncertainty of not knowing what a place will be like, and what will happen. My biggest problem, as God, is that I am omnipresent. I am everywhere. Destined forever never to saviour the anticipation of arrival. That thrill. So I must pretend.
So yes, I went to Mars. It took me, well – not a long time to get there. Actually I kinda delayed my arrival a little, so it took me a few seconds. About two seconds actually. What a thrilling two seconds those were!
And what did I do once I arrived on Mars? Nothing much to be honest. Kicked a few rocks, threw a few pebbles, made a few faces in the sand, watched the sun set over the Martian horizon – and then, watched my creation lying on my back. Almost cried.
When you are omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent – life can be extremely dull. I kid you not. Ah the emptiness. I suffer from the deepest depressions. I really do. Somedays I wake up (or I pretend to wake up) and I look at my self in the mirror and think: “God you looser. You fucking looser!”
Those are the worst days. I look in the mirror and I ask myself “what the fuck have you done with your life?” And in those days I feel like a chronic under-achiever. I look at myself and wonder what greatness there is within me? It’s terrible. Those feelings of worthlessness. Utter dejection. Pathetic. So pathetic. And do you know how I make myself feel better? Do you want to know? How does God make himself feel better when he is not feeling too good about himself?
He visits earth.
Ohhh yeah. I know. Most shameful. Embarrassing even. Oh yeah – I am perfectly capable of feeling embarrassment! I’m not that different to you!
So I come to earth, and sit beside the swamps, breathe in all that fetid methane and marsh gas, and watch all that misery. Watch all that life. Birth – growth – the eager anticipation of youth – the naivety and red hot urges of sexual attraction – consummation – the realisation that life has not kept its promises – the disappointment of mid-life – the slow decline – the agonies of death – the stillness after. I’ve seen it so many times. For me its almost like a cliche. Like a movie on repeat mode. People fear death. Why? What about the death they were in before they were born? If you never feared that death of the past – why do you fear the death to come in the future? It’s the same isn’t it?
Of course I know why they fear it. I understand all. I am after all, omniscient. But sometimes, even God, must ask questions and ponder aloud. Though he knows the answers all too well. I am meandering. Where was I?
Oh yes, I was talking about how utterly lonely it is to be God. And how so utterly boring. My life has no surprises you see. No vicissitudes. No seasons. In fact it’s not a life. A life has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I am a Constant. The ultimate mathematical Constant of the multiverse. I seek to impress no one. I struggle against nothing. There is no striving for me. It is all so easy….and so fucking boring.
I know, I know – I sound like a spoilt child, or an upper class snob of sorts who has EVERYTHING but still must complain.
God I am so insufferable! Such bad company today. I say this is bad form. Not fun today at all! Don’t invite me to any parties.
Ahhhh – Mmm….maybe, that is – Mmmm – what I need? A party?
Let’s gate crash a party on earth. Yes – let’s do that…
A party where?
In Islington, London of course! (duh-duh)
[to be continued]