Weird stuff keeps seeping out my head…

Earth – planet earth. There it sits alone in the inky black wasteland of space. Tormented by the vast distances of space, tortured by the sink holes of time, caricatured by the deathly cosmic rays.

Earth – what an absolutely wicked and utterly boring place!

And then you have its so called ‘intelligent’ denizens. These rather vile humans – Ugh! So utterly predictable. And boring too. Crawling all over its surface like rats. Having babies like rats too.

Humans – predictable and boring. As predictable as a lump of rock. Or a volcano. You know exactly what a Volcano is gonna do.

Why are humans so boring? I’ve been asking myself this for the last well, for the last two hundred thousand years!

I wish – I wish, I wish there was an ounce of stimulation on this godforsaken barren rock. I’ve tried everything: Trust me: conversation, drugs, food, TV, Blu Ray, the Internet, sex, Shakespeare, Paradise Lost, Painting, Music, I even tried Queen (that helped a little – the opening refrain of Bohemian Rhapsody…‘Is this the real life’…My brain is turning to porridge. I need to find something to do. Anything – just something, to shed away this ennui, this hard cocoon that is forming around me. The longer I stay like this; I fear, the harder this shell will become. I am a sensitive soul! I am – I speak the truth! I am jelly inside, soft and squishy – but that’s so deep down…now.

I need to find something, or someone – to soften my outer edges a little. I don’t want to become like the boorish bores I despise.


Do I despise them? No. No. No. Despising implies that they effect me. That I am affected by them. I am not. How can I be affected by these stupid humans? I have a brain the size of a planet; in relative terms to theirs, and they are nothing but primordial swamp life. Yes they have their charms, but these normally centre around their inane stupidity.

I’ve seen it. I’ve seen life. I’ve seen it crawl out of it; the swamps that is – and I’ve seen it all, the first sure-footed one’s as they did push-ups, with their snouts peering above the rim of the water. Ah yes! I remember the first one I saw. I saw it tentatively raise itself on its fins – its big bulging fishy eyes – the first to lay its greedy eyes on the land. I sat there and watched it. And then they became more confident. Ah, confidence! So much confidence has life. Too much confidence if you ask me. I’ve been here ever since. Watched it all. But there was still nobody to talk to!

Then those big lumbering reptiles came along. Bursting through the foliage. Huge beasts! Enormous but utterly vacuous and stupid. Brains the size of a fig.

Ah, yes the fig. The Fall! – well, more like the Fall from the tree. They were in the trees at first, and then slowly they came out into the open, in their wandering bands. and their upright but bumbling gaits. I waited. I crossed my fingers: Please!

And it happened – very slowly. And here I am now – amongst them in the year 2012 – and I’m still bloody miserable! I’ve been with them all this time. Their whole lives. Their entire history. Time. So much time. Watched them all this time. I know them better (oh man) then they know themselves.

I want to peal away their blindness – and I do help a little….to peal it away, but the shutters still come crashing down!

Why is that?

I know the answer. Of course I know the answer. But, I still want to moan about it. Though I know the answer. A good moan is needed sometimes. Even if your’re just moaning to nothing in particular.

I know what it is. I need a woman. You laugh! Go on. Laugh then. Laugh it out. Laugh as much as you like, but I still need a woman.


For sex? Don’t be stupid. Sex is a biological mechanism designed to encourage procreation. REPRODUCTION! – Tell me something – why the constant fuss with reproduction? What is so fucking special about reproduction – that these life forms spend their entire lives, doing it – and in the case of humans – thinking about it?

What is so special about making more copies of yourself?

Well, I know the answer to that too. Yeah yeah I know. I am Mr Know It All. I need a moan.

Where was I?

Ah yes, I need a woman.

But, since I don’t ‘believe’ in reproduction, why would I need a woman?

The obvious retort to this is: ‘is reproduction the only thing a woman is useful for?’

Of course not!

I need, want, desire – female company.

Just company. She can keep her mouth shut that’s fine – but she must just be there. In my presence. That is enough. We don’t even have to talk. Well she can, and I don’t mind just listening. Listening to what? Anything – don’t matter. Sometimes the loneliness can get so suffocating that a voice in the dark, can relight the world. Like the Sun.

I am…

Time to tell you who I am…

I am God.

I am God. And I am lonely. Alone. And I have a heart, but it is hidden away deep inside. I have committed a huge sin. The enormity of it – even for me – is grand beyond imagining.

Every life that has ever lived was a child of a mother and a father. Every life that has ever died, was the child of a mother and a father. Do you now see what I have done? The enormity of my sin? Imagine the pain of a mother and father as there child is killed….and multiply that by the total number of living things that have ever lived. You see?

No you don’t. In the past, and even in the present, human beings have lived (do live) that could be your brother, your sister, your child, your mother, your best friend, your uncle, yourself.

What separates us is nothing.

Yet we are so cruel to each other?

Why? When you are I, and I am you.

I am God. And I have sinned.

I have watched life crawl out of the oceans. Just watched. And watched. And watched. I am tired of watching.

God I am so bored. Yes, even God must sometimes say “God!”

I went to Mars the other day.

No seriously I did.

What do you mean you don’t believe me?

I’m God. I can do whatever the f**k I want!

Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. How dare you, you impish earthling!

So I went to Mars…It was no big deal really. A jump across the pond. The pond of interstellar space. It’s all a pond to me.

What did I discover on Mars?

[to be continued]

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