How to get deep inside your skull and access your innermost feelings…without brain surgery


(Warning/Achtung: these splendid headphones can seriously damage your social and love life)

There is no longer any need for you to go to your brain surgeon to access your innermost thoughts – or your Marijuana / Hashish drug supplier – or your psychologist, psychiatrist – or your spiritual leader the Imam, the Priest or the Yogi or Jedi master. Because now you can have all the advantages of these people, but without any of the nasty side-effects.

All you need to do is plug these babies into your ears and you’re good to go! What are they? Well they’re called ‘Westone 4R’s’ and they’re only the best in-ear headphones in the world.

And, yes – I have a pair.

Let me first quickly quote what the marketing blurb say’s about them:

“The Quad-Driver Westone 4 R-Series will take your listening experience to an entirely different level. Four symmetrically balanced armature drivers engineered into an advanced three-way crossover network deliver breathtaking clarity, realism and imaging. Westone’s True-Fit technology provides superior ergonomics and comfort”

Right. Did you get that?

With perfect ear-fitting rubber tips they totally isolate the world around you – leaving you –  alone – in your skull – with only yourself, your music, and your thoughts. Now, depending on the type of person you are that might be a good thing or a bad thing! And that’s something for you to discuss with your personal psychoanalyst – assuming of course you have one. But I digress…

The beauty of these things is simple. When wearing these the music has a 3D Phonic soundstage appearance – as if you are listening to the recording as it happens in front of you.

You are enveloped in music. Cuddled in its softness. It’s like being back in your mothers womb…

The clarity is astonishing and not only will you hear things in your old beloved tracks that you have never ever heard before, but each instrument will appear as if separated in the soundiverse. You will be able to follow each instrument separately from beginning to end.

In short: you will rediscover your music collection.

But for me it’s more about enjoying the most immersive and involving music experience that technology currently allows.

But there is a down-side to owning a pair of these headphones. A sort of side-effect if you like: You’ll no longer have a social life. This is not so much of a problem if you already have no social life, but if you do, then owning a pair of these earth-shattering headphones will mean that instead of spending your waking hours in the company and arms of a beautiful sultry golden-skinned minx, or with friends in the pub or at the cinema, you’ll instead – be wanting to spend your time indoors – in a dark room – with the curtains drawn – the lights dimmed, the door shut and your head plugged into musical nirvana.

…all with a big smile on your face.

And I agree. People are great. I mean I love people and they can be fun. But these! These headphones are better than people. Way better. OK, I admit – you can’t have an actual conversation with these headphones – but that don’t matter because, unlike people, they will allow you to have a conversation with your inner-self. And that is something you’ll rarely get from people. Mainly because people just want to talk about themselves and they never listen.

“But if you listen to these headphones they will listen to you…”

The Westone 4R‘s are also great for commuting on London’s noisy trains and buses. No longer will you be pissed off by the silly loud wanker talking on the phone to his boiler-repair man, or the two women friends having a banal and rather open conversation about their boyfriends – or lack thereof.

The other thing to mention is that they don’t come cheap. At £390 they cost a substantial sum of money and are a commitment that most people would be unwilling and unable to make. But for the crazies and the audiophiles out there – and those that can afford them – they are an open-door into a world of hi-fi on the go.

And that’s who they’re squarely aimed at: the discerning audiophile commuter/walker/wanderer/city-hipster urbane professional type (like me!) who loves music, wants something that is discreet and not shaped like a pair of clams around the head, and doesn’t want to compromise on the audio quality either.

Go on. Give em’ a try.

They’ll blow your mind, and your wallet. And you’ll have no friends left.

But you will be in regular communion with your innermost thoughts and feelings. And we all know that you my dear, yes you my sweet darling – are the most interesting person in the world!

Another word of warning: If you happen to be on the train or underground and you are listening to these headphones and you suddenly wonder why everybody is looking at you funny, the answer is probably because you have had a big smile on your face for the duration of the journey – and it is they who are wondering why you are so happy, and what is so great about your life that you are smiling about.

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